One-up/One-down Relationship Pattern
As a marriage counselor, I find this relationship pattern showing up in many different couples. While neither partner is to blame and neither part is better than the other, the couple is caught in the pattern of behavior.
The two parts to this relationship pattern do not function one without the other. Many times, both partners tend to think that the over-functioner is the one who is more capable, healthier and more complete. The success of the over-functioner, however, is built by both agreeing to make one self out of two. The over-functioner takes on the functional self of the other. Basically, both have agreed to this unbalanced functioning status. One assumes the “one-up” position and the other volunteers the “one-down” position. Connection is lost when this pattern shows up.
You may be over functioning when what you do puts you “one-up” on the other person.
Worrying about someone else.
Feeling responsible for others, thinking you know what’s best for someone else.
Doing things for others that they could do for themselves
Giving advice before it is requested. Expecting others to do it your way.
Talking more than listening.
Having goals for others that they do not have for themselves.
Taking over someone else’s task without being asked.
The Inability to listen to complaining
Criticizing/Judging others
Believing you are responsible for someone else’s feelings.
Symptoms: Overwhelm, resentment, anxiety, lonely, headaches, weight gain, heart disease.
Under Functioning: To assume the “one-down” position.
Asking for advice – when what is needed is to think things through.
Not making decisions –Getting other to help – when help is not needed.
Listening more than talking
Setting goals but not following through with them
Acting irresponsibly
Excessive complaining
Habitually letting others have their way. Not taking initiative.
Blaming and victim stance
Believing others are responsible for your feelings
Symptoms: Depression, lonely, sleep problems, digestive problems.
The under-functioner tends to dump the problem or question into the lap of the nearest over-functioner. When we under-function, we imagine that we feel the way we do because of what someone else is doing, and that others ought to make us feel better. Rather than commit to a course of action that might have undesirable results, the under- functioner will put off making any decisions at all. An under-functioner waits for someone else to decide or simply lets events take their course.
Sources and more reading on this and other relationship patterns:
Jeffrey A. Miller, The Anxious Organization
Roberta M. Gilbert, MD, Extraordinary relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions
Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., The Dance of Anger,
Bob Duggan & Jim Moyer, Resilient Leadership